La-Tessa Montgomery

Sometimes when you don’t know what to say, it may be best to not say anything at all…
But then, sometimes you think you have nothing to say, yet you’re a sea of unrest
Upon closer inspection, you have a jumble of thoughts hiding in the void of your mental space
Almost hidden from you under the perfect camouflage of your pain, anger, happiness, hope… apathy

These times, I’m learning, are perfect to examine  the void for what it holds, to shift through the masquerading emptiness
That is, if you’re brave enough to do so…
Some people run from their personal  truths faster, harder and longer than they’ll run from their greatest fear
Why is that?

I think it’s because of all the people we lie to and/or mislead (whether subconsciously or not)
We lie to ourselves the best and most decisively
We can convince ourselves that we’re failures– at either life or a single task– or that we’ll never amount to anything, or that our shit doesn’t stink and we’re God’s gift to the world…

And I find that we can do with this to ourselves with an alarming amount of focus and ferocity
I believe humbleness and having a true sense of self are rare traits to see cultivated in others these days
Though, this doesn’t excuse us the responsibility of trying to attain & teach them both

I’ve accepted all parts of me, for they make me who I am.
I’m learning to  maintain a proper sense of self for there’s nothing more unattractive than the person that fails to realize their self-worth
OR that person with an over inflated self-value and an over abundance of ego and arrogance
It is the light, dark, and empty parts combined that make me the unique character I am, that makes us all who we are

The sooner we accept ourselves for what we truly are, the sooner we can rise above our own weaknesses and constraints

I’ll end with a quote from Alan Alda:  

“You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you’ll discover will be wonderful.  What you’ll discover is yourself.”

Will you visit your wilderness? Or are you afraid of what you’ll find there?

Image source

I’m being pulled in three distinct directions all at once.  Each demanding attention, each demanding priority.  But which master shall I answer? Will it be Duty, Dreams, or Destruction?

Being in a vortex of one’s thoughts is a scary thing:
      Am I good enough, smart enough?
      Is this the right decision?
      Should I go left, right, forward … backward?
      Will I fail?
      What happens when I do fail?
     Who am I, really?

It’s a painful thing:
      Why am I not enough?
      Must my shortcomings cripple me?
      Will it always be this way?
      Why aren’t I good enough to be first… to be priority… to be only?
      Why am I doing this?
 
It’s an enlightening thing:
      Yes, I’m worth it
      Yes, I deserve it
      Yes, I will … one day I most certainly will
 
The pressure is always greatest at the center. And it also happens to be darkest there as well. Yet if a pinpoint of light is allowed in, we can gain clarity and perspective while swirling & tumbling around the abyss of our own making. 

Only through trials can we face our fears and demons with the opportunity to come through to the other side. Only then can we know who we are, what our worth is, and what we truly value in life and others. 

Steel sharpens steel.  Living, loving, and dreaming is not easy, nor should it be.  Without the occasional stumble and scrape, will we  appreciate the lazy stroll on a clear day?

I try to start my mornings off with a quote to guide my day, a  little something to help me maintain a positive focus for the day.  Today I woke up in a self-reflective mood, however; which put me in a John Mayer “Why Georgia” mind set.  I  migrate towards his music when I have something on my mind.   

As an author, I can acutely convey a wide range of emotions suitable for any given character at any time.  Yet, when it comes to me deciphering and voicing  personal thoughts of my own, I struggle.  That said, here’s what’s floating around in my mind right now.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it, no real organization.  Not sure what I make of it at this point, or what I’ll use it for.  But  for now it simply is what it is–     a thought cloud:

——————
I’m in a mood today
Neither good nor bad, somewhere in between
… more reflective than anything
Not sure I like it, but I realize it’s necessary

I’ve got to face my faults, shortcomings, fears…
My pains and downfalls—failed plans, disappointments
I’m not perfect by a long shot
Never have been, and quite sure I never will

My lack of personal perfection will not stop my strides towards a better me
It can’t.  I won’t let it.
I’ve got dreams, goals, and aspirations
Wants, desires, and wishes

I’m moving on, and will keep moving
Towards my peace
Towards my sun
Towards my happiness

I’m going to have down days, I’m going to have up days
I’m going to have middle of the road days
That’s part of the process
It’s part of the journey

Self. Discovery.

I’m not perfect and never will be
Doesn’t mean I don’t deserve the best
That I don’t deserve to be happy, to see my dreams realized
I know what I want, I know what I need

And no one’s actions—or lack there of— will deter me from my plan
Or make me question my self worth
I don’t like games
I have no time for cowardice
——————-

This is very raw, and I don’t share anything that’s not been through at least a couple rounds of polishing (just ask my cp’s), but what the hell.   You can only judge me negatively for it, and I think I made it clear that I’m no longer paying attention to the negativity.  To quote John, “I got dreams to remember” and random hate has no place in my dreams.

And I’ll leave you with John performing my favorite version of “Why Georgia”, for some reason the majority of the intro is missing, but still…