As an author, I can acutely convey a wide range of emotions suitable for any given character at any time.  Yet, when it comes to me deciphering and voicing  personal thoughts of my own, I struggle.  That said, here’s what’s floating around in my mind right now.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it, no real organization.  Not sure what I make of it at this point, or what I’ll use it for.  But  for now it simply is what it is–     a thought cloud:

——————
I’m in a mood today
Neither good nor bad, somewhere in between
… more reflective than anything
Not sure I like it, but I realize it’s necessary

I’ve got to face my faults, shortcomings, fears…
My pains and downfalls—failed plans, disappointments
I’m not perfect by a long shot
Never have been, and quite sure I never will

My lack of personal perfection will not stop my strides towards a better me
It can’t.  I won’t let it.
I’ve got dreams, goals, and aspirations
Wants, desires, and wishes

I’m moving on, and will keep moving
Towards my peace
Towards my sun
Towards my happiness

I’m going to have down days, I’m going to have up days
I’m going to have middle of the road days
That’s part of the process
It’s part of the journey

Self. Discovery.

I’m not perfect and never will be
Doesn’t mean I don’t deserve the best
That I don’t deserve to be happy, to see my dreams realized
I know what I want, I know what I need

And no one’s actions—or lack there of— will deter me from my plan
Or make me question my self worth
I don’t like games
I have no time for cowardice
——————-

This is very raw, and I don’t share anything that’s not been through at least a couple rounds of polishing (just ask my cp’s), but what the hell.   You can only judge me negatively for it, and I think I made it clear that I’m no longer paying attention to the negativity.  To quote John, “I got dreams to remember” and random hate has no place in my dreams.

And I’ll leave you with John performing my favorite version of “Why Georgia”, for some reason the majority of the intro is missing, but still…

Pent up

This described me perfectly yesterday.  I had so many feelings, thoughts & ideas floating around that it became an impediment to my creative processing; a chokehold on my ability to release words.  I mean, I actually could not express myself, and this just doesn’t happen to me. Any one that knows me knows I rarely have trouble communicating.

Most time (well nearly all the time if I’m being honest) if I’m not getting words down on the page, it’s because I’ve distracted myself with other activities. It’s never because the words are there and I just can’t get them out. Even if I have to go back and pretty them them up later, I can usually get them out. So to say I was frustrated is an understatement.

I’m guessing angst about my current wip combined with the energy from “the real world” made it difficult to clear the jumble from my mind.  I was like I had a bee tornado twisting around in my head and I just couldn’t hear over the buzz.

I’m up against a firm deadline for this novel, it has to be submitted at the end of March to my mentor for critiquing. I had to get some words on the page. Knowing only that doing nothing wasn’t an option, I gave myself over to the buzz and just wrote.  

I wrote whatever came out, however it came out. No matter how raw it felt.

I ended up with a rather surpriseing collection of prose that I’ve turned into a new bit of poetry. I shared it with my CP to see if it caputured the passion I was aiming for, she readily agreed it did.

And just like that the buzz was silenced, but the creative energy remained. I ended the day with 2 scenes done, another nearly done, and a good idea of what’s to come in the new few chapters.

WOOT!

Note to self: Don’t always be so quick to turn off or fight what you’re currently feeling, good or bad.  By embracing emotions at the time you’re feeling them the sharpest, you’ll be able to channel a keener sense of the said emotion/mood at a deeper POV. Even if you don’t need it now, it may come in handy later with another wip.

“All writing is difficult. The most you can hope for is a day when it goes reasonably easily. Plumbers don’t get plumber’s block, and doctors don’t get doctor’s block; why should writers be the only profession that gives a special name to the difficulty of working, and then expects sympathy for it?”

–Philip Pullman

I came across this quote this morning while I was searching for a motivational quote to post to my Savvy boot camp team W.O.W. (stands for Wordsmithing Other Worlds). While this was not the zippy, quick witted one-liner I was going for to spark us into action, this one struck a resonant chord with the writer in me. Today is Day 7 of the June Savvy Boot Camp, and after 6 days of writing, I am staring square at being 11,726 words short of the weekly goal I’d set for myself during this process. To say I’m disappointed is an understatment–I am quite unhappy with myself.  So I felt the need to craft a little Note to Self:

There are no excuses, I am 100% to blame for my own productivity.  My daily goals are very doable–I’ve learned to temper my excitement and set attainable goals over the last 2 years.  As long as I am DEDICATED and exert some SELF-CONTROL, I can make my daily word count goals.  Yes, it is a bit high at over 3k a day, but the purpose of the boot camp is to push yourself hard for a short amount of time to see what you can accomplish.  At least, this is the goal of the boot camp for me.  So unless I get my butt in gear, I’ll be doing me a big disservice. 

See, I’m not really all that concerned with finishing an entire draft in this month (although trust me, I want to), I’m more concerned with showing me–specifically the part of me that doubts and second guesses every step I take, every word I write and my dream of having a  spot in the literary world as a published author– what I could accomplish with concentrated effort, dedication and prioritization. Like I said, my daily goal is a bit of stretch, and I know that some days will be better than others in that other priorities will sometimes trump my writing for the day.  Looking back on the past 6 days, I can honestly say this is not the case, I’ve just not put in the effort I’ve been needing to.  I’ve had one really stellar day–hit over 6k that day–but I’ve also have 1 day in which I didn’t write one thing, and several days where I hovered around mediocrity with a average of about 1,200 words.

So today, I’m getting serious about my efforts this month because I owe it to myself to see what I can really do.  I owe it to myself, and no one else, to see (1) what I can really do if I push myself a little and treat my efforts with the respect it demands and (2) see if I can meet the goal I set forth for myself for the month of June.  I’m tired of setting goals, then giving myself the okay to not reach them because the kids were a distraction or I was busy at work or I was  tired or I just didn’t feel like it…

It’s early and I have a full day ahead me (I’m in a very busy season with my day job and my kids will be back home today after spending a week with the grandparents).  While it is not likely I will hit the 11,726 mark needed to go into week 2 flush on my word count goal, I will surely give my writing the effort and respect it deserves today as I try to break through this mark. 

I will update this post, and my word meter with today’s progress before I head to bed tonight.

**Update: Word Count from 6.7.10–2,129**