La-Tessa Montgomery

Life’s disappointments hurt, so do failure and betrayal on any level
Even the strongest can crack under the stress of hypocrisy, unfairness and loneliness

My life on the edge…
It’s simple really; it’s a long way down
And there’s no way I can survive the fall
Is there?

But it feels like the only way out sometimes…most times
Right now

If I take just one step, Gravity will do the rest

But the funny thing is even if I don’t. Even if I keep my feet firmly on solid ground
Gravity will still be there, and it’ll still do its job
Keeping all things anchored, all things grounded

Even when you don’t wanna be anchored. Or grounded

Sometimes I wanna free fall
Sometimes I wanna just let my problems
My hurts
My inadequacies

Go

Yet Gravity keeps me tethered

To reality
To the pain
To unfounded fears

I’m not sure that’s something I can handle just right now
But, it’s a long way down…

I wonder…
Is the darkness comforting?
Will it help me forget?
Will it mask  the pain of landing?

Gravity…
It won’t let me go, yet it can’t help but make me fall
If I take that step…

Will fear cocoon me in its warm, suffocating embrace
If I take that step?

Will falling grant me the opportunity to think, to reflect
If I take that step?

Or will I instead hear The Voice
The one that laughs at me, taunts me… ridicules me

The one that says:
YOU are nothing; YOU are inconsequential, YOU cannot do it

There’s only one way to find out

But damn, it’s a long way down

Image: Mirianda.com

I managed 216 new words yesterday. Not much but progress is progress, so I’ll take it.   At first I wasn’t going to write anything, despite my plans to do so.  I’ve really been struggling lately with actually putting my butt in the chair and my hands on the keyboard and working on any of my wips.  Yes, I have a lot going on both professional and personally, but even taking that into consideration, there has been a tangible block to me writing.  And I believe, no I know it’s been more mental than physical.  But I received a  call last night from a friend, who happens to also be a writer, and I was inspired/encouraged sit down and do something after our talk–which oddly enough only focused on writing for like 5 mins of our nearly 2 hr conversation.

So even though I didn’t want too, and even though I needed to go to bed within the next 20 mins,  I pulled out the laptop and tackled a brand new scene in my UF wip.  And with no plan or outline I might add, just a general thought I wrote down while doing my narrative outline last week.  Amazingly, it went well.  I’ve been so busy lately doing other things like workshop and program outlines, critiques, and brainstorming (all things I enjoy doing), that I’d forgotten how good it feels to let loose and just write.  Once I tapped into that special place, the one where the natural words, cadence, ideas and imagery lives,  the words just flowed.  Yeah, it was only 20 mins and yes, it was only 216 words, but I was enough to get me back into the swing of things. I got my mojo back, I got the jones for that feeling back, I got the excitement about my story back, I got the confidence in my words and my abilities back.  Those 216 words are so much bigger than the number seems.

I tell ya, Zen is the plane on which no inner critics exists.  As a writer, I’ve got to learn to tune out my left brain better when I’m tackling right brained activities.  There is a difference in the creative skill set needed to write vs the one needed to revise.  I’ve also got to get back into my daily writing habit, even if it’s just 216 words a day I manage.

“Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not words.  Trust movement.” ~Alfred Alder

I’ve decided to trust movement.

Image source

Sometimes when you don’t know what to say, it may be best to not say anything at all…
But then, sometimes you think you have nothing to say, yet you’re a sea of unrest
Upon closer inspection, you have a jumble of thoughts hiding in the void of your mental space
Almost hidden from you under the perfect camouflage of your pain, anger, happiness, hope… apathy

These times, I’m learning, are perfect to examine  the void for what it holds, to shift through the masquerading emptiness
That is, if you’re brave enough to do so…
Some people run from their personal  truths faster, harder and longer than they’ll run from their greatest fear
Why is that?

I think it’s because of all the people we lie to and/or mislead (whether subconsciously or not)
We lie to ourselves to best and most decisively
We can convince ourselves that we’re failures– at either life or a single task– or that we’ll never amount to anything, or that our shit doesn’t stink and we’re God’s gift to the world…

And I find that we can do with this to ourselves with an alarming amount of focus and ferocity
I believe humbleness and having a true sense of self are rare traits to see cultivated in others these days
Though, this doesn’t excuse us the responsibility of trying to attain & teach them both

I’ve accepted all parts of me, for they make me who I am.
I’m learning to  maintain a proper sense of self for there’s nothing more unattractive than the person that fails to realize their self-worth
OR that person with an over inflated self-value and an over abundance of ego and arrogance
It is the light, dark, and empty parts combined that make me the unique character I am, that makes us all who we are

The sooner we accept ourselves for what we truly are, the sooner we can rise above our own weaknesses and constraints

I’ll end with a quote from Alan Alda:  

“You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you’ll discover will be wonderful.  What you’ll discover is yourself.”

Will you visit your wilderness? Or are you afraid of what you’ll find there?

Image source

Been in a bit of a funk lately, for a multitude of reasons. But from a writing perspective, I’ve been having MAJOR computer issues that have been frustrating, to say the very least. The second (and I mean the second) I get back into rhythm with brainstorming, writing, planning, creating…. the darn thing would either freeze, blink, or just not come the heck on!

But anywho, I have taken care of that problem and I’m officially jumping back into the saddle. I have a 90,000 word manuscript to revise and get in to my mentor, and I’ve given myself about a month to do it.   So it’s time to do it to it!

But, back to my funky mood.  As an author, it’s hard for me to write through certain emotions and trials.  We’re all unique in that we all handle things different. Some of us thrive in the good times, while others are so busy not trusting it, refusing to live in the moment, that doubt and insecurity creep in– effectively chasing the “happy” away.

Without putting too fine a point on things, I’ve been in a bit of a rainy season myself.  This also means different things to different people.  Initially, when I make reference to rain or rainy seasons, I see bleak, gray skies, slippery mud, and crops, roads, and structures washing away in a resulting flood.  A bit gloomy and tenebrous I know, but I do have an active imagination .

To this end, it’s not been a very fun time for me, however rain doesn’t always mean despair.  For some rain is hope, salvation… life.  Rain also signifies regrowth and rebirth.  So the way I see it, I can either focus on the pain, dreariness, and destruction rain can bring….  Or I can let it wash away impurities and ties that try to bind, and look forward to the renewal.

So from this point on, the scent of rain lingering in my personal space  will bring a smile to my face and hope to my spirit.  So for those that say no rain, I say why not? It’s all in how you perceive and receive it.

For some reason, Blind Melon’s “No Rain” comes to mind, it’s one of my favs and just seems to fit right now.

Image  source

I’m being pulled in three distinct directions all at once.  Each demanding attention, each demanding priority.  But which master shall I answer? Will it be Duty, Dreams, or Destruction?

Being in a vortex of one’s thoughts is a scary thing:
      Am I good enough, smart enough?
      Is this the right decision?
      Should I go left, right, forward … backward?
      Will I fail?
      What happens when I do fail?
     Who am I, really?

It’s a painful thing:
      Why am I not enough?
      Must my shortcomings cripple me?
      Will it always be this way?
      Why aren’t I good enough to be first… to be priority… to be only?
      Why am I doing this?
 
It’s an enlightening thing:
      Yes, I’m worth it
      Yes, I deserve it
      Yes, I will … one day I most certainly will
 
The pressure is always greatest at the center. And it also happens to be darkest there as well. Yet if a pinpoint of light is allowed in, we can gain clarity and perspective while swirling & tumbling around the abyss of our own making. 

Only through trials can we face our fears and demons with the opportunity to come through to the other side. Only then can we know who we are, what our worth is, and what we truly value in life and others. 

Steel sharpens steel.  Living, loving, and dreaming is not easy, nor should it be.  Without the occasional stumble and scrape, will we  appreciate the lazy stroll on a clear day?